the beloved pursuit

Written by Allison Marie Phillips

Boy meets girl. Boy pursues girl. Boy professes love... One can see where this is going. Here’s more:

Boy gives dreams of a future, marriage, family, and children to girl. Girl trades heart for these dreams. Boy becomes girl’s heart, breath, and life.

It was a thrilling time. After 10 years of selfish pursuit (independence, career, and strength), I finally had something of substance. I felt worth, fullness, and love. It was as if my heart opened and a rush of blood surged through my whole body. It was wild and free. With all this life, there was an underlying ache in my gut. The ache turned a thought, “This is not real and this is wrong.” I questioned this thought because it spoke against the beautiful dream. The thought grew to a roar that I couldn’t ignore. Call it clairvoyance, intuition, “the still small voice.” It was so tangible I couldn’t ignore it.

Girl breaks off relationship. Girl is pregnant. Boy tries to solve problem. Girl decides to have baby. Boy and girl try to work it out. Boy leaves. Boy comes back. Boy leaves. Boy decides to go back to his wife and 2 children. 

...Yeah, this is story has many twists and turns… 

This story was defined by shame, guilt, fear, anxiety, and a growing bitterness. WAS. But, even in the midst of this fatality, Jesus was at work.

That ‘gut’ feeling, 'thought,' 'loud roar’ that was the Lord. He was saying “Enough.” Once my heart was opened and had life, then ripped out and blown into a billion pieces, the Heavenly Father took claim and began to show just how much He loved me. The moment I accepted, truly, His love for me He replaced the guilt and shame with honor. He took my fear and anxiety and replaced it with an unshakeable faith. The bitterness that was growing turned into intercession for the boy. 

Part of me, used to regret and wish that I gave my heart of stone to God, instead of the boy. Even so, it wouldn’t have been genuine. I wouldn’t be so captivated and would've taken another ‘lover.’ Besides, it’s more beautiful this way. The Lord reclaimed a disaster and showed just how beautiful He can make all things.

“To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion,
to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning,
the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;
that they might be called trees of righteousness,
the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified”
— Isaiah 61:3

This "story" is from the life of a real woman. You can soon find her at The Beloved Pursuit, documenting her travels with her sweet two-year-old son, Leo in Germany (Spring 2016).

 The Bloom Project is a collection of stories, songs, and poetry written in response to the fear of being beautiful and demonstrating the glory of God through the pursuit of HIS true beauty.

 Feel encouraged to share your story? Learn more here.

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